assaif87

My heart pounded hard as I strode on the gravel. The cold was deepening into the recesses of my lungs, as I struggled to draw in more breath to match my exertion. I glanced at my watch, and saw that sunrise was in five minutes, or less. The trees lining my path were a deep black against the the lightening sky, their autumnal bareness providing scarce respite from the wind chill.

I pass the Parsee Fountain quickly, and increased my pace as I reached the end of the park. After two crossings, I reached the bottom of the hill and, heaving a few resolute breaths, made my way to the top. The tension was unbearable; with every stride I could feel pain radiating from my thighs and calves. The words 'The view's so nice' painted on the path provided little comfort. With the glint of the skyline at my left periphery, I willed myself to finish my dastardly task. And I did.

I took in the skyline, and briefly checked my watch. It's sunrise. But half the sky is cloaked with cloud, with streaks of lightning radiating over the City. On the east the sky was a lightening blue, but a veritable gale was sweeping the thunderstorm clouds across the skyline. I give myself enough time to let the pain in my legs and chest dissipate, and slowly made my way down.

We try to run to the light but our perch yields little of it.

Ziz.

Kudos to Sarah. We were talking about procrastination and complacency and the strange inclination of our community to fall back upon divinity where all else fails. We were referring specifically to this particular mentality...

Sarahazwana Mahani says: (1:39:19 AM)
sudahlah. cannot cope, takpe. relax...
Sarahazwana Mahani says: (1:39:27 AM)
something will come up
Sarahazwana Mahani says: (1:39:35 AM)
or worse. Ya Allah, tolong please...??
Sarahazwana Mahani says: (1:39:38 AM)
HAHAHAHAHA
rockafunkadeliks says: (1:39:53 AM)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH U CRACK ME UP

Ya Allah tolong, please? Haha. God.

Ziz.

Thank you, Amsterdam, for proving that I still have a life beyond the drudgery of work. Times like these (burdened by readings, essays, the moot, etc) I just want the simple pleasures of strolling down cobbled streets, appreciating a morning coffee and pancakes without thinking about the itinerary for the day ahead, or just enjoying a night out without wondering how to get to that 9am lecture.

Anyway I'm exaggerating. My second visit to Amsterdam was good; met Ine and her Dutch friends, walked round the usual sights, watched Eddie Izzard at the Heineken Music Hall, visited Paradiso - this club akin to KOKO - and in all had a worry-less time. It was a good break from the rough and tumble of term time and I cannot be any more regretful that Reading Week has ended.

I don't think I'm going to get much sleep the next few days; but I'm fine with it. I'm used to excruciating inertia and perpetual self-doubt - so much that I know it's always fleeting and the remedy is usually a nice hot shower or some pleasing playlist.

Roll on Friday.

Ziz.

It's been more than a month since I returned and so far most things have been good. I run every day through Regent's Park and up to Primrose Hill, and then breathlessly take stock of London's skyline. I saw how more leaves fell day after day, and as of the start of this week (when my cold and cough knocked me out of commission) the ground has turned into a leafy mush. School has been a drag, as it's always has been, but I've been committing myself to the hours - painfully at times, when I'm nursing the after effect of a night out, or when my system feels as if it's on the verge of illness.

It's been interesting too in terms of the partying. In the space of three nights we managed to have a friend lose almost all his valuables and then have another one admitted to hospital. I should stop this deluge of fun lest it brings more bad luck. On the lighter side, Reading Week's coming up and I'm looking forward to the lack of activity to start re-organizing my work in anticipation of the next half of term. The trip to Lille is off, so I'm not heading anywhere; not as if anywhere's a good prospect given the colder weather.

I think I'm doing okay this year, really. Like what I told my boozy friends during our housewarming, I think i'm on a 7 out of 10.

Ziz.

Today we got treated to an incisive, insightful and poignant talk by the former Justice Albie Sachs of South Africa's Constitutional Court. He comes across as a humorous and gentle personality, something you wouldn't expect from someone who lost his sight in one eye and most of his right arm from a car bomb orchestrated by the apartheid regime.

I think he is an exemplary man - one who has stood against injustice, had suffered torture and solitary confinement as a consequence and had emerged with his humanity not only intact, but reinforced.

I have long opposed authoritarianism and draconian law, even where there is a strong case for justification - but I think I emerged from Bloomsbury Theatre with an even stronger conviction.

Ziz.

Ziz.

I was reading the National Geographic Traveller mag online and suddenly I remembered some of the dramatic places I've been to this year. The Cornish coast was especially poignant. Henry, Ine and me were rubbing our eyes after a short afternoon nap and realized that sunset was in fifteen minutes and that we wanted to catch the sunset. And so, we breathlessly stumbled onto Fristal beach and lo and behold...

And for the two days after Henry and Ine left and I was left alone in Newquay for my rock climbing tuition, I walked along the coast and reveled in the sight of waves crashing into rocks and fields of buttercups buffeted by the Atlantic wind.


Sometimes I wonder why we allow ourselves to be trapped in a non-ending deluge of work, social politics, petty preoccupations...when we can extricate ourselves and indulge in what the world has to offer. Be it discovering an Italian hill-town and walking among cobbled streets with gelato in hand, or soaking in the riotous atmosphere of the Champs-Elysees at the stroke of midnight on New Year's.

I think it's great to be alive, and traveling.

Ziz.

Today I spent a total of £170 on books.

On the bright side, we found out that for Public Law II, 40% of the assessment is based on a dissertation on human rights. Delish.

Oh and today I spent £11 on watching (500) Days of Summer at touristy Leicester Square. The movie theater still has an attendant who shines your way in and who says 'film' rather than 'movie'. Intéressant.

Ziz.

I had a burrito for lunch with Henry, Ine and Scarlet at my favourite Mexican eatery in Charlotte St, before enjoying a coffee at the newly-opened Cilantro on Tottenham Court Rd. I could walk home this stretch blind at night - this is how much we've walked the stretch the past year. In the evening, after coming by Laura's five-room penthouse/maisonette (in a council estate), we went for a blistering run to Primrose Hill and my have I not felt so winded in a long time. I'm really happy to meet the regular people and do the regular things I do here; it makes the transition from life in Singapore to London much quicker.

My former housemates were substantially impressed by the appearance of my new flat; from the town-house look of the front porch of my building, to the red-carpeted, soft-lighted interior of the lobby, and then to the vintage open-the-door yourself lift which I think would be a massive inconvenience to anyone who comes home drunk.

My two-bedroom flat, shared with two of my mates, looks big. The living room and bedrooms are spacious, though at the expense of the kitchen and one of the bathrooms. The other shower and bathroom are en suite to one of the bedrooms, taken by Shana and Adri. My old housemates who came to visit gushed at the 'roof terrace', which is really one of the building's roofs made accessible by going out through the window. It's a great place for a smoke break, but also a burglary hazard.

One of the greatest pleasures (and pains, in equal measure), is furniture and furnishings shopping. The problem is that Ikea is some distance away and given the kinds of stuff we need to get, i.e. study desks, it makes sense to look for cheaper alternatives. In this case, Argos is a life-saver, with its cheaper stuff and cheap home delivery service.

And so tomorrow begins a new week and I'll have a lot of fun and pain retrieving my items stashed away for summer from Noora's and Hannah's, unpacking, as well as doing more shopping.

Ziz.

I was driving home today in the mid-afternoon and it was beautiful - everything was basked in golden sunshine and the sky was an impeccable Provence blue. I don't usually enjoy my drives because I usually drive at peak hour or during some desolate hour of night after supper. It's my last few days here in Singapore before I begin the massive flurry of activity back in Londontown. It's not going to be all hunky dory when I get there - I have to work out the domestic issues, refurnish my flat, pay my school fees, buy my school books, begin doing the vacation readings, complete a Jurisprudence essay due possibly in a week and so on and so forth. I'd expect myself to be exhausted for most part over the next few weeks.

But it's the days and nights when there is no looming deadline or pressing matter to attend to that revitalizes the spirit. The past few weeks have been simple - time with family, time with friends, re-engaging with God - and come term time in London I will miss the easier disposition of life. I found out in first year that come term time, we become hunkered-down and are kept perpetually at the edge of our seats - the days are a flurry of lectures, tutorials, printing notes, socializing, partying and so on.

There is little time for a breather. And so while I revel in the last few days here before I get on that plane and disappear (or reappear, if I know you from London) for another year, I'll remember the good people and the good experiences I've had over this summer.

If there is one thing I realized, whether from the time spent with colleagues over dinner, or with friends over supper, or during the last nights of Ramadan and then on the day of Eid; is that I am massively, massively blessed. I pray that my good fortune induces humility, and not hubris.

Ziz.

No matter how much we have or how far we've come, we're never satisfied. I want things and gifts I know I will never have, and I want to do things I know I will never do well in. I am perpetually inadequate even if people say I'm more than adequate.

We're idealistic even if we deny it, and we crumble when we realize that we're not as gifted or able as we think we should be. We shred ourselves to pieces because we know we cannot love enough, live enough or learn enough.

We tear ourselves apart when we realize that we're nothing but ordinary.

Ziz.

I'm having a headache and have been feeling terrible for the past few hours; whether it's the cumulative effect of supper, caffeine and tobacco or just one of those incidental things that happen to me once in a while, I don't know.

I have been free for nearly the past week and my life is slowly degenerating into a blur of hours and alternating days and nights. I have no structure to life now save for the morning meal, breaking fast and the frequent suppers (something I'd miss when I leave for London and the lack of 24-hour food joints). Anyway we're a little more than halfway through the fasting month and contrary to what some of my mates are saying, the lack of food and drink is the least easy part of my experience. Okay, make that food, drink and coffee. The spiritual aspect is a little deficient...but I'm working on it (I'm amused at how I console myself).

I'm flying six days after Eid, with Eid being the most important part of my remaining time in Singapore. I think being away for most of the year forces me to value my time with family; family being the bedrock of my social life.

I need sleep to quell the headache.

Ziz.

I'm happy that the three work attachments I've had this summer were all good experiences. Learnt a lot, and had great (and amusing) people for colleagues. I hope we continue to keep in contact. I was mildly amused by their disappointment when I told them I could not stay for another week, ostensibly to see through the closing of a particular deal we were doing.

I'm taking a short breather before I get back to London for the new term and continue the juggle between academia and living a full and wholesome life. I miss my friends there - I hope they're having a good end to summer. I think armed with a new-found clarity of perspective, I'm ready to take on the new school year and study/play/socialize like no tomorrow.

Ziz.

It's been a long summer. I ended exams in mid-May, and thereafter went traveling, came back to Singapore, holidayed and bummed around for a bit, and then started on nearly two months' worth of legal-related work. I had a generally good time, and I'm anticipating my return to London in end-September.

I've realized that there were days when I went through hell and came back, but there were also days when I felt unimaginably uplifted and felt buoyed like nothing will ever bring me down. Given the turbulent nature of life, I've resigned myself to that when it comes to feeling good about good things, like over friendships, relationships, a good career turn, a good start to mornings - they hardly last, but when they do come by, it is prudent to immerse entirely in their glory.


Ziz.

This Ain't a Love Song

A pat on the back and my friend then went, "Are you sure this is what you want?", and I silently concurred, energetically, in spite of my being tired. I think it is beyond doubt that I will be battered and bruised in the coming years, but what is life without pain and hardship? One of my bosses put it more philosophically, "When you reach middle age and you look back at your life, you'd see that there'd be massive ups and downs. If it was just a plateau it means you're not living properly."

So no, it's not the thought of three bungalows and the Maserati that propels me forward. I think beyond the drudgery and the pay cheques and eventually the billable hours, I think it is a good profession. I have no aspirations of changing the world and making it a better place - those dreams can be dreamt by better men and women; I am a relative simpleton. I will do good where I can.

I feel much older tonight. I feel as if I've surrendered part of my dreamy idealistic self for the sobered-up lad ready to face the aggro.

Ziz.

Strength

I just got home, and every shred of my being is tired. It's been a long summer and I've been busy day in and day out that it seems as if I'm already a working adult. Yesterday I got off from work at 10.30pm. But I'm learning a lot - no, not the substantive law but all the other little, seemingly secondary details that go around building a successful career.

I'm talking as if I've just whipped out my five-year plan on a piece of paper out of my pocket. The truth is, I am uncertain about what anything will take me. But I think with the right attitude and plentiful resilience to pain, setback and incertitude, I shouldn't do too badly.

And I think you complete me, although we'll probably break apart when I leave.

Ziz.

Safety

"With you, I feel safe. Safe that you care because of who I am and not who I can be."

Ziz.

Escape

I'm tiring fast of the normal life. Early mornings, the daily commute, bad relationships, emotional turmoil, unrequited passions, unachievable ambitions, the inexorable chipping away of the moral core... everything.

This is the reason why people abandon careers to rear lobsters. The reason why Yuki works and then sets off to spend months at Jelawang waterfall. The reason why people choose the road less travelled. The reason why my friends check budget airline websites every day to snag the best flight deals.

I can see myself as one of those people who tire fast after a few years of work post-graduation and start looking for an escape route. I like to think that I'm one of those free-wheeling, free-spirited people who can live on happiness and breadcrumbs alone (maybe, I swear I don't know).

I can't do what some of my esteemed friends do; living life on a schedule and the only reason they're still alive is because of coffee and a burning desire to get ahead. I am perfectly capable of doing that but I will hardly be happy.

I'm uproot-able and insensible, and I think life should be one hell of a roller-coaster ride.

Ziz.

"There are no homeless, destitute, or starving people [in Singapore]...
Poverty has been eradicated" - Kishore Mahbubani.

Is it the typically reductive nature of public policy in Singapore or just the worldview common to a society surging forward and not realizing that quite a few are left behind?

Ziz.